poop fish

     Prepare yourself for a gross story.  Seriously, if you are eating do not read this story right now. Also if you think that someday you might want to possibly have children don't read this story until they are toddlers.  If you're pregnant, too late! Brace yourself because this is headed your way in the near future!  If you have successfully potty trained your children, pat yourself on the back for a job well done and have a laugh at my expense.
  
     Emma is at this point fully potty trained. This means that she wears underwear all the time and uses the adult potty by herself (with no toddler seat) at home.  In public I help her up and then spend the whole time saying "please don't touch that! and dying a little inside.  But she's still not very good at wiping herself (gross I know) and in typical three year old fashion she refuses to let me help her a lot of the time.  (sidenote: she takes twice as many baths not as she used to)  But when she poops I make her let me help her.  She is supposed to let me know that she pooped immediately so I can make sure she has a clean bottom, and so I don't stumble upon it later.

   Cue Friday morning, about 8 am.  I'm nursing Asher on the couch watching the Today show when she announces that she has to poop and runs off to the bathroom.  All good so far. I put Asher down for a nap, and just as I am finished she comes in and announces that she had a "poop accident".  So I immediately order her back to the bathroom, preparing myself to pick up poop off the floor or maybe her underwear. No biggie, all in a days work. Meanwhile she's telling me that she thought she was done pooping so she got off the potty, but then she got scared because the poop was still coming out.  I told you, gross!

   I was unprepared for the amount of poop that was all over the bathroom!! It was was smeared all over the  toilet seat, all down the front of the toilet and all over the floor.  Emma is still nonchalantly babbling away about how well she had wiped herself and asking for a special treat for pooping in the potty (um not a chance kid!) And it was then that I took a good look at her.

    All oveeeer her hands, legs, and lower half.  Totally covered in poop.  So I said some choice words in my head, took a deep breath in (instantly regretted the deep breath because of the overwhelming smell of toddler excrement) and began to clean up.   Twenty minutes or so later, I had a well scrubbed bathroom and a totally unphased toddler sitting in the bathtub. I scrubbed my hands clean, mentally calculated when I would be able to take a shower, and went to check on Asher.  When I came back a few moments later, there was a cup of water sitting on the side of the bathtub.  Emma yelled "come look at my fishy mommy", so I did.

   Then I told myself that I wasn't possibly seeing what I thought I was seeing because it looked like there was a turd floating in that cup... but maybe just maybe it was something else.  So I shrieked "Emma, what is that????" And calm as she could be, she replied "poop mommy, it came from my bum".  

   I'll let that sink in a moment. There is my adorable three year old daughter calmly playing with a cup full of her own waste. Just another special memory for mommy to cherish forever....

This is a blobfish. It really exists. Go ahead google it... It is also the most appropriate picture I could find for a blog entry entitled "poop fish". You're welcome! 

Potty Training Update

So it's been almost two weeks since we started potty training, and I had yet to post the embarassing "on the pot" pictures.  So here are a few of my favorites, or at least the ones I feel comfortable sharing online.

Above we have singing on the potty

Awesome butt shot of both my girls!

A sexy lip pout

Strategically placed book!

And this one is just pure joy.  Yes, that is her happy face.  We've been over this ;)

Why I can't get a good picture

Here is evidence of me desperately trying to get a camera-worthy smile out of the peanut.

I always look at pictures of my friend's children smiling away and think "wouldn't it be nice to have a couple of pictures of Emma actually smiling?", but alas this is what I end up with when I ask nicely. I'm not sure where she learned that this weird facial grimace is what people call a "smile", but I sure hope it wasn't from me!

Also, I would post videos a lot more often if they didn't take so stinking long to post! This one has been uploading for over fifteen minutes now, and that's fifteen precious nap minutes that I could have been using to watch the Ellen show or to avoid doing the supper dishes. ::sigh::

Oh and on the potty training front, we made zero progress yesterday. And mommy gave in, put her in a diaper and took her to the park where she spent an hour and a half chasing bees, jumping in mud puddles and pouring buckets full of dirt on herself. But this morning, she started to pee on the floor and cried a lot until I sat her on the potty where she proceeded to have the rest of the Niagra Falls of pee. Progress? At least she knows when she is peeing herself and isn't content to stand there soiling my carpets anymore! There may be hope for this silly girl yet...

Crazy or Brilliant?

So I have decided to start potty-training Emma at the tender age of 18 months. I know that your initial reaction to this will involve the word crazy and probably a laugh at my expense, but really there is no real harm in trying! I have been waiting until some reliably warm weather came our way so that we could do at least three naked days in a row! (Emma, not us- although Adam likes the idea of everybody being naked for a week...lol ) Our potty training methodology is sort of hodge podge of various theories. I have a small, very comfy potty sitting in the corner of my living room (conveniently located next to Emma's bookshelf) And every 15-20 minutes I invite Emma to come and sit on her potty. So far there has been zero resistance to this because she loves having mommy's attention focused solely upon herself and her bowel movements. We read book after book after book and if she has peed or pooped while on the toilet she gets a small treat. If not, that's ok we'll try again in a little bit. We started a little bit this weekend, and she peed on the toilet twice! I smugly congratulated myself and thought, psssshh piece of cake!


Fast forward to this morning, when Emma stood calmly pooping all over my living room floor while drinking water and finishing up breakfast. (Ahhhhh! She usually makes a grunting noise or something!) I swooped in and placed her on her potty where she nonchalantly finished her ginormous disgusting poop and then clapped at her overall cleverness. So, I get her all cleaned up, and run into the kitchen to get the paper towel and carpet cleaner only to find her playing in her own poop. Awesome. (note to self: keep paper towel in living room and do not leave child alone with poop) I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of "learning" moments for mommy this week. Needless to say, she did not get a treat for that poop...


Oh well, the worst that could happen already did and we all survived. Also, the carpet cleaner worked great! Hooray for dollar store cleaning products that actually do what they are supposed to! :) Also, Emma sitting naked on her potty with a book is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I will probably post some embarassing picture that she will later hate me for sometime this week.

That's where your pee comes from...

Recently overheard in our apartment:

"Hot!" Emma says, pointing at her vagina...
and did I mention she also spends a lot of time standing in front of our window yelling at men in trucks? We're raising a classy lady here at the Roys!

So...she has been a tiny bit vagina obsessed lately. She's constantly pointing to it and asking me what it is. She's really into naming body parts. I had decided that I was going to be all PC and progressive and just tell her that it was a vagina, but then she said something that sounded a lot like vagina. And Adam and I decided we weren't ready for our one year old to go around pointing and proudly declaring vagina! Yes, I've read the monologues and I'm all for being proud of our vaginas but that doesn't mean I want my little lady to go around shouting vagina at Target. So for now I'm kind of dodging the issue. Here is a sample conversation:

Peanut: "Dis? pointing at her nose
Me: That's your nose
Peanut: Nose! clapping and happy shrieking ensues
Peanut: Eyes? poking herself in the eyes
Me: That's right, you are soo smart!
Peanut: Dis? grabbing her "down there"
Me: Ummmm that is where your pee comes from...

Hopefully that will satisfy her for a little while until I can come up with a less wussy solution to this vaginal dilemna. What do people usually tell their daughters?