Saturday, January 14

poop fish

     Prepare yourself for a gross story.  Seriously, if you are eating do not read this story right now. Also if you think that someday you might want to possibly have children don't read this story until they are toddlers.  If you're pregnant, too late! Brace yourself because this is headed your way in the near future!  If you have successfully potty trained your children, pat yourself on the back for a job well done and have a laugh at my expense.
     Emma is at this point fully potty trained. This means that she wears underwear all the time and uses the adult potty by herself (with no toddler seat) at home.  In public I help her up and then spend the whole time saying "please don't touch that! and dying a little inside.  But she's still not very good at wiping herself (gross I know) and in typical three year old fashion she refuses to let me help her a lot of the time.  (sidenote: she takes twice as many baths not as she used to)  But when she poops I make her let me help her.  She is supposed to let me know that she pooped immediately so I can make sure she has a clean bottom, and so I don't stumble upon it later.

   Cue Friday morning, about 8 am.  I'm nursing Asher on the couch watching the Today show when she announces that she has to poop and runs off to the bathroom.  All good so far. I put Asher down for a nap, and just as I am finished she comes in and announces that she had a "poop accident".  So I immediately order her back to the bathroom, preparing myself to pick up poop off the floor or maybe her underwear. No biggie, all in a days work. Meanwhile she's telling me that she thought she was done pooping so she got off the potty, but then she got scared because the poop was still coming out.  I told you, gross!

   I was unprepared for the amount of poop that was all over the bathroom!! It was was smeared all over the  toilet seat, all down the front of the toilet and all over the floor.  Emma is still nonchalantly babbling away about how well she had wiped herself and asking for a special treat for pooping in the potty (um not a chance kid!) And it was then that I took a good look at her.

    All oveeeer her hands, legs, and lower half.  Totally covered in poop.  So I said some choice words in my head, took a deep breath in (instantly regretted the deep breath because of the overwhelming smell of toddler excrement) and began to clean up.   Twenty minutes or so later, I had a well scrubbed bathroom and a totally unphased toddler sitting in the bathtub. I scrubbed my hands clean, mentally calculated when I would be able to take a shower, and went to check on Asher.  When I came back a few moments later, there was a cup of water sitting on the side of the bathtub.  Emma yelled "come look at my fishy mommy", so I did.

   Then I told myself that I wasn't possibly seeing what I thought I was seeing because it looked like there was a turd floating in that cup... but maybe just maybe it was something else.  So I shrieked "Emma, what is that????" And calm as she could be, she replied "poop mommy, it came from my bum".  

   I'll let that sink in a moment. There is my adorable three year old daughter calmly playing with a cup full of her own waste. Just another special memory for mommy to cherish forever....

This is a blobfish. It really exists. Go ahead google it... It is also the most appropriate picture I could find for a blog entry entitled "poop fish". You're welcome! 


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