So it feels like a whole lot longer than a week since I posted last, and unfortunately I have sad news to relate this morning. I've been kind of avoiding writing this post, but I feel like since I shared the good news, I should share the bad as well.
Last Wednesday was a bad day for us. I was having some sharp pains on Tuesday night that I attributed to normal pregnancy pains (I didn't remember them being that bad last time around, but every pregnancy is different). Honestly, I just thought they were gas pains or something. But they were painful so I opted to stay home from our usual Tuesday night dinner group. And I went to bed, still having some pains but not being too worried about them.
About 9 am on Wednesday I had a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was really nervous and instantly nauseous. Something was telling me to take another pregnancy test (even though we'd already confirmed it with two tests, on two different days) so I did. And I found myself staring at a just one line, when before there had been two. Of course, I fell apart a little in the bathroom. And that bad feeling just kept growing. But I tried to keep it together and decided to walk to the store and get some more pregnancy tests thinking, maybe it was just a faulty test or I just did it wrong.
To summarize, I got home took two more tests and totally lost it when they both came back with only faint lines. But of course they always tell you that you "can't be just a little pregnant, you either are or you aren't". So my mind was telling me that everything could still be alright, even though that bad feeling in my stomach was telling me to expect the worst. Women's intuition is a real thing people! We know our bodies... I also had a little bit of bright red spotting right after taking the third pregnancy test.
So I called Adam, and being the supportive man that he is, he came home from work immediately, and we called the doctor who told us to come in right away. We woke poor Emma up from her nap (I had put her to bed so I wouldn't scare her with all my crying) and went in to get blood work done. I also had to get a shot of Rhogam (super painful!) because I am RH- while Emma has a positive bloodtype. The nurse was very clinical and didn't make it seem like our pregnancy had much of a chance. So we went home, sore and heartbroken to wait for the blood test results.
They were terrible. My hormone level was at 5. Anything below five is considered not pregnant. The nurse informed me over the phone to expect the worst. Although there was still a small chance that I could still keep the baby. Less than two hours later, we had lost the baby. It was physically painful and emotionally devastating. Adam had gone back to work, so I was trying to keep it together for Emma, but of course I cried my way through the afternoon. (and evening) And of course, Emma is teething so I only got about three hours of very interrupted sleep that night. Adam went to work in the morning, but when he told someone what had happened, they kindly sent him home to be with us.
Luckily, we are blessed with a wonderfully suportive group of friends and family who care very deeply for our little family. We were showered with love and offers to watch Emma. So we are doing as well as we could be under the circumstances. We were not very far along (only about 4.5 weeks) but we were really excited about Emma having a sibling. And we had been trying for a couple months, so I felt a lot "more pregnant" than I actually was. It's amazing how short a time it takes to fall in love with a new life, even one you haven't had a chance to meet.
But life with an almost two year old doesn't wait, it goes on in a noisy, busy manner. We know that God must have had a purpose for this painful ordeal, and we have a much deeper understanding of those who have lost unborn babies. We are thankful that it was very early on, and didn't leave any physical damage to me. This means that we will probably be able to start trying again soon. And although I'm sure that I will always have some very strong emotions surrounding this event, I feel that it is ok for us to move forward with hope.
I will probably write more about this in the coming weeks as I am working through my feelings, but it feels good to start writing about it. And also it was of course painful to still be getting congratulations when our pregnancy had already come to a close.
This scripture had been on my mind, and means more to me now than ever before. God knew our little life, even though we never will.
14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
~ Psalm 139:14-16